OK I have to admit my IM conversation with a friend got me thinking and not in a good way. He asked "where are you in relation to where you once thought you'd be at this stage in your life?"
Well the short answer is, nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Let's see, even in my early twenties I would've thought that by now I'd be married, or at least engaged, making a bunch of money, and able to call myself a home owner. You know, kinda established in the career, a little more credibility, semi-settled. Currently I'm none of the above. Yes I made a conscious decision to change careers to do something that will make me happy in the long run but that doesn't mean I can't be miserable about the state of things right now. It seems like every month or so, a friend is getting engaged or married or about to buy a home. Feels like the closer I get to embarking on this 4 year commitment to my education, the further I get from these other life milestones. A friend who has been trying to get me to work at his company in San Diego once told me that a Phd is a road to certain poverty. I know there's more to it than that but all of this combined makes me wonder if I'm just going to end up like my aunt and so many other women profs I know of - middle aged, single, and renting (and in my mind miserable and lonely). I think the only thing worse than that would be working in the marketing department of a software company again. Actually maybe they're equally bad. Damn the dilemmas in my life. Why couldn't I just enjoy a career with a straightforward and predictable career path like, say, accounting.
4 comments:
Totally feel ya. I've derailed my life once again to move somewhere away (and probably means the demise of a relationship ... again). I hope whatever it is I'm searching for is worth it in the end, because at this point, it sure makes me wonder how I could ever "catch up" to the predictable normal position of having a stable relationship/career/living situation.
Bah, to hell with it. I'm just going to see what happens. Wait, aren't those someone's famous last words??
I think there's something interesting about what you're saying.
Context.
You could have everything you "want" in your life, but if it's in the wrong context, it'll probably never be enough or very fulfilling.
I'm where you were a few years back probably. I'm trying to change that context and see what happens. I was fairly close to getting married in the past (which would've made all 3 at the same time for me), and it didn't make me feel any better about where I was in my life. Something big just wasn't "right".
Anyway, i'm babbling (as I do), and you're right on the money.
Expectations are strange beasts.
oh great.. now you've put me in one of those moods again.
you are not your gerbils
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