After stuffing ourselves with sushi at Sushi Garden, I headed to Starbucks Metropolis with my two closest friends for coffee. After reviewing last night's dramas and catastrophes for one of my friends (who was too drunk to remember the evening except for when he walked into a glass door and hurt his nose) we got onto our usual topic of relationships. I was telling them about some of my mini reunions with old girl friends from high school and stuff and how several of them have mentioned that when they first started dating their husbands, they knew within months or even days of dating that the guy was "the one." I keep hearing that from people and I find the whole idea kind of unbelievable, that there's some innate sense about us kind of like how babies can identify their birth mothers at a young age. They suggest that people can just know when they've found "the one" and figure it out right away. Well my friends disputed this today at Starbucks calling this a "white person's fantasy." I thought, hmmm, you're right all the people who keep telling me this are, indeed, white. They argue that Asians aren't idealistic like that and believe you have to make a relationship, not just magically discover it. There is no "the one." I even asked my engaged friend as he sipped his frappucinno if he just knew his fiance was "the one" and his answer was "hell no."
I think it goes back to our Confucian and Buddhist roots and philosophies that emphasize dealing with the fate you're dealt and accepting suffering. No, not as magical or idealistic as the idea of finding your soulmate but finding someone and creating a solid relationship makes more sense to me. The real test according to my friends was not getting that magical feeling about the person being "the one" but rather whether or not you can picture your life without your significant other. If that life you picture seems empty or boring or unappealing, you might be onto something.
7 comments:
"they knew within months or even days of dating that the guy was "the one."
When you start dating someone new and everything seems to be great, there generally is nothing negative that you can think of about the other person, because if they've already F'ed up.. you wouldn't be dating them anymore.
I never think THAT far ahead about a relationship because I know the first 6 months.. hell the first year usually is great. It's what happens afterwards when the couple starts getting too used to each other and takes each other for granted when things go downhill.
"the one" to me is the person I am willing to be with for the rest of my life and will compromise and do what it takes to be happy and stay together. I don't think there's really a "perfect" match out there. It's really how the couple builds the relationship to make it work. I think I'm kind of rambling. Hopefully I make some sense.
It's so interesting the cultural differences in the myths we choose to believe. Do you think it reflects the idea that Asians are more pragmatic and to some degree more conservative and western cultures more idealistic? That's my take.
We'll have to go back to our childhood to really analyze this.
Over here we have Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty etc. All of Disney's fairy tale love stories which, in addition to creating the ideals of "the one", also created the belief of "the first kiss".
In Taiwan, I was raised with stories depicting various forms of punishments availble if I disrespected my elders. Stories of some poor girl who loved her mom so much but didn't have a needle to sew mom clothes, so she sat for months molding a needle out of steel on a rock. I don't recall any love stories.
I wasn't waiting for my prince in shining armour. I just hoped I wouldn't be beated to death or rot on a stone molding needles.
Um yeah, Chinese myths and childhood tales are rather tragic (and scary!). Don't forget for every grain of rice you leave in your bowl is a pimple on your future spouse's face.
I'm definately guilty of the overly romanticized view of relationships. While the idea of "the one" doesn't particularly hold value for me in the sense that I think there's literally JUST ONE person out there for me, I find quick to dismiss a potential partner if I don't feel a near-immediate "spark" between us.
It's a big point of contention in my life actually, and one that I struggle with all the time. That said, I haven't learned how to feel okay about *not* having those trumped up over-emotional flames of passion rule my relationships. I'm a case study baybay :)
hehe doing the process of elimination of people for whom there isn't an immediate explosion of fireworks could be dangerous
I thought about the "one" once...but I was naive...not to mention soooo wrong. That sort of title will never be used again. Who needs that sort of pressure anyhow?
I have a friend who's onto the "one"...version 3...tell me if he doesn't beg to be titled the "nitwit"...hehe.
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