almost

Almost there. I did the 3 year master's (should've been 2), followed immediately by the doctoral degree that was supposed to take 4 but never does and is instead taking me 5 years. I am so fucking ready to be done with this chapter of my life. I don't even care what comes next. It doesn't get a whole lot worse than this -- thinking all the time, writing all the time, constantly worrying about what comes next or whether I'll have the mental and emotional stamina to finish this dissertation without losing my mind. I am determined to finish the diss on time even though my thesis went way the fuck past my personal deadline. I stayed on schedule through my BA but the ridiculous amount of reading, writing, and worrying demanded by grad school compounded by the stress of living on a very very tight budget makes it impossible to hit targets from the department (unless you do quantitative type research that is more formulaic and more efficient in terms of writing and publishing). Anyways, I digress.

I'm pretty sure this dissertation will get done no matter how bad it is going to make my life suck the next 12 months. I can't have 8 YEARS of my life culminate in an ABD (all but dissertation). I survived general exams and that seemed impossible, so I think I have enough in me to do this dissertation thing too.

So assuming the above, there is no fucking way I will still be a grad student 1 year from now. Oh shit, unless I get a post-doc. Oh the horror. I don't know if I could do that.

OK assuming I don't get a post-doc I'll be doing SOMETHING else. Maybe being underemployed outside of academia, maybe community college teaching, maybe doing something temporary back in Vancouver, maybe even actually teaching in a 4-year university (chances not high given cuts to education funding nation-wide). Maybe something I haven't even thought of yet. Worst case scenario I'll be unemployed and sticking around on the 1 year practical training allowance of my student visa while cramming into my bf's studio apartment. That's not horrible. I won't be writing a dissertation. And that's comforting. I'll have some time to get my shit together and see what's next.

This dissertation hell is temporary. It has an end, and if I focus on the fact that there IS an end I feel a lot better and I can refocus on writing. This hell will end sooner if I work harder and the reward of not working on this diss anymore is a big one.

So far I'm feeling much less wound up about it...Man, it takes a lot of self-talk to get through a fucking day these days.

visas

I thought that universities generally agree to do the sponsoring of work visas for the professors they hire, especially those educated in the US. Apparently that has changed. Here is a snippet from a faculty post from a Cal State school:

"At time of appointment, the successful candidate, if not a U.S. citizen, must have authorization from the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services to work in the United States."

To me that pretty much means, you're on your own. And since a worker cannot get a work visa without the employer's sponsorship, it pretty much means fuck off.

And here's another from a 4 year university:

"Successful candidate must provide documentation of identity and eligibility for employment, as required by the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA) of 1986."

Yet another obstacle to getting a job here in academia.

waste

I've been in grad school for 6 years and when I finish my diss in a year, it will have been 7. In that 7 years, every other part of my life has gone absolutely fucking nowhere (ok so there are more reasons than just grad school for that, namely bad luck and a waste-of-time relationship but whatever). Thus, I would like in the next 12-24 months to: get married, travel the world, have 2 babies, get a dog, buy a house, and not live pay check to pay check. God, Allah, Buddha, whoever the fuck is listening, please make this happen. Thanks.

writing

I'm having serious writing anxiety and I'll admit I am blogging to warm up my writing brain cells. I would love to blog more but I'm too busy bitching on Twitter, and worrying about how I'm going to finish this gigantor project called a dissertation. Here's my sports analogy. I need to be competitive at the international level in order to feel comfortable taking part in the tiny tots category. For better or worse, I'm not the type who puts work out there and thinks it's awesome when everyone else thinks it's a piece of shit on a page. Not that I don't pity those people. I'm embarrassed for those overconfident pricks. Those who have so much confidence but no content...sad, but sometimes pretending gets you a long way. But I'm not a pretender.

clogged

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I'm going to complain about something that is very trivial and is not even an illness or anything. It's my fucking allergies. I think it's been about 7 or 8 consecutive days now that I have spent at least half a day completely congested, or congested with a runny nose as well. This means I can't taste my food, I breathe through my mouth, and I am in danger of inhaling my food when I eat. Also I am really fucking uncomfortable and tired. Feeling like shit makes you tired. Now I know there are so many other ailments and issues that are worse - Lupus, fibromyalgia, arthritis, etc. but it doesn't change the fact that my present experience is one of misery and discomfort.

I have allergies in some form pretty much all the time - a runny nose, itchy throat, itchy mouth, itchy tongue, a little asthma, sneezing, hives once in a while on my face or body or both, itchy eyes, sometimes my eyeball swells up such that I can't close my eyelids all the way because I look like those fucked up goldfish in the Chinese restaurants with the bubbly eyes. So most of the time I have at least one of those symptoms going on and I've had this pretty much all my life so usually I take a Benadryl and/or go to bed and life goes on. Usually I don't even notice it, especially the runny/stuffy nose and itching part. That's kind of constant. Anyways, when I get a combo of these symptoms or one of them really extra bad, that's when I just want to be sedated or something. Right now I am just really sick of that cat-in-my-sinus-cavity feeling. I'm over it, please make it stop. Neti pot helps but the snot all comes back and I can't be pouring water into my nostril while it drains out the other continuously because there are other things I need to do but stand over the fucking sink with a plastic blue pot shoved up my nostril.

Sometimes walking briskly outdoors helps clear it but I haven't figured out how I'm going to do that and write a dissertation at the same time.

lightrail

Lightrail FAIL that is. I was excited last year that a light rail system would connect Seattle's downtown to the airport. When I first moved here I couldn't believe they had absolutely no light rail or subway system. What kind of city is this? Just buses that occasionally stop to pick you up and once in a while run on time? Seriously? What a crock of shit. Oh and if you want to commute by bike instead, well good luck navigating narrow roads with pot holes the size of the Grand Canyon

The light rail was lovely but at its grand opening didn't even reach the airport. That didn't happen until months later. I thought, better late than never. Well turns out it doesn't actually go to the airport terminal. Below is a piece from a news article in the Seattle Times.

Baggage carts are available for a $4 rental fee [are you fucking kidding me? $4?], and might be helpful for the quarter-mile walk [wtf?] west across a fourth-floor skybridge and through the parking garage to the terminal.


Not an option for all

Nancy and Rod Black of Yuma, Ariz., journeyed 49 miles on transit trains earlier this week... Nancy Black says she prefers light rail, but says the lengthy walk from the airport station to the terminal might be a hardship.

"What if you can't walk? That is a question," said Black, who has arthritis and uses a cane.

People-movers were not built, because those would cost millions, nor do the Port and Sound Transit keep electric carts, rental wheelchairs or pedicabs at the station.

This city suffers from TERRIBLE planning, shortsightedness and paralyzing indecision among lawmakers. Mark my words, the Alaskan Way viaduct and 520 floating bridge, both of with are in need of serious repair, are going to crumble and cause accidents before the city gets around to actually doing something to replace them. Stop it with the townhall meetings and votes and new plans and more votes and all this other bullshit and just do something for Christ's sake. This city's infrastructure is an embarrassment in so many ways.

teeth

I've had sensitive teeth and gums most of my adult life. I found out what's compounding the problem is what I eat. Here is a list of acidic foods that are bad for that part of your teeth where there's no enamel, down under the gumline:

tomatoes
lime/lemon
ceviche
pineapple or its juice
balsamic vinegar
anything carbonated
juice especially things like pomegranate grape and anything citris

If you know me well you'd know that makes up half of the foods I eat/can eat thanks to my allergies to most fruits. So I have to eat tropical fruits but if they are going to make going to the dentist torture that's going to have to come out of my diet. I'm not sure what fruits that leaves that I can eat without one form of self damage or another. Bananas. Boring bananas. I use balsamic a lot, like a lot. Ceviche is one of my favorite things in the world because of all the lime, which I can't eat. My favorite thing to drink is juice mixed with club soda. I can no longer drink either of those. Same with coffee and tea, my other favorite drinks. She says it's ok if you rinse with water immediately after so I guess I'll do that because I need a source of caffeine or this dissertation is not going to happen. Let me just say, in the spirit of Dr Seuss, that today is a sad day, a day that is sad in many ways. Today I'm going to let myself get stoned the entire day and eat out and eat whatever I want because this, this was traumatic. I floss with the floss doubled over several times a day, I use a Sonicare more than 2x a day and I use mouthwash after that. I thought there was nothing more I could possibly do for my teeth until now. But this diet change is going to seriously suck balls. Anyways my neck hurts so I'm going to lie down before I eat and get some work done.

see

So if you are up for some ticketless Olympics action here's what's to see and what not to see unless you love waiting in line ups for hours.

Cauldron - easiest thing to see and you can get up pretty close. The crowds look thicker than they are.

Robson Square - be here for the 9:30pm fire and light show; look up and check out the fools who waited 7 hours for the 30 second ziptrek over the street; watch the street performers

Robson @ Howe - CTV is filming live here during the Olympics; this is also sort of the central area downtown where the stuff's happening; this block is closed off to Granville

Granville - also closed off, there is some visual art and cool stuff on the street and folks here are trading pins at little stations. Up the other way the street is also closed off and people are all at the bars watching the games. Great vibe here, Olympics fans galore.

QE Theatre - there is a pavilion here, I think the Canada pavilion. I hear it's okay. There was over an hour wait so I didn't bother

Science World - The Russia, Quebec, Saskatchewan and Hockey pavilions are here. Quebec is just food and beer, there is a REALLY long wait for Russia, I didnt bother with the hockey pavilion. I went to the Sask one and it was a waste of time. Think high school poster board display. The other Sask building is just food and performance. What you SHOULD see here are all the rock balance sculptures along the water that resemble the 2010 logo. Very cool. Getting back up to downtown is a bitch. Skytrain is packed and everything is fenced off and very confusing.

Richmond Ozone - Lots of free concerts here and easy to get to by Skytrain. I saw Our Lady Peace. It's just an outdoor concert stage on a track and field. Lines look longer than they are. Fun, dress warm. Heineken House is here too. I didn't go but on one night it was $20 entry. Even when it's free entry expect a wait and $9 beers.

appreciation

So I'm back from the Olympics where I spent my Thursday through Saturday. It was awesome. I haven't seen my hometown this busy and this alive since Expo 86 when the Skytrain was first launched. 24 years later and now the Skytrain goes out to Richmond and Burnaby. The Canada Line goes out to the airport and then out to Richmond Center which is incredible. I'm so proud of my city for being so on top of shit. I took these things for granted about Canada until I moved to the US where basic infrastructure is outdated and frail and some streets have more potholes than smooth pavement. I took my friends by the new $13M public aquatic center/gym/community center which is adding on a couple more ice rinks too, and realize that there is no such thing in the US. We watched the Olympics on CTV, which people are saying is inferior to CBC's past coverage, but both are better than the NBC Universal coverage we're subjected to south of the border where coverage of an event is cut as soon the American athlete fails to qualify. Oh and don't forget about health insurance. I will never shut up about that until the US gets its shit together on that one.

So the weekend was about the Olympics and seeing friends and eating about 10 tonnes of food, but it also reminded me to appreciate Canada. We've always been overshadowed our American neighbours but in so many ways, Canada is just fucking superior. Right wing American nut jobs can call our kind of government what they want, it doesn't change the fact that it works, it works better than yours, and its citizens live far more comfortable lives as a result.

Olympics

I'm in Vancouver until Saturday for the Olympics. I've only really followed the Olympics half heartedly but when it's in your hometown it's pretty awesome. I'm too exhausted to cover details but we took the Skytrain Canada Line down to Vancouver Station, had dinner at Oysi Oysi, and walked around, watched the laser and fireworks show above Robson Square, checked out the Olympic flame, and then headed back out to Richmond. Turns out the panic about traffic has all the local folks getting around by Skytrain so the streets have been empty. Okay, more later.

weird

I don't have anything to gripe about. That's odd. Okay going to bed now.

check

I signed a check 2008 a while ago. Apparently my consciousness follows two years behind everyone elses reality. I can't believe I've been here since 2006, 4 years this year. And I have no idea how to get around most places, other than outside of my immediate neighbourhood and a couple of the areas my friends live in. Don't get out much, no money to blow, time to blow it, or people to see. Shitty weather makes it hard to get out too. Probably a good thing for dissertation writing though. I kinda can't wait to end this grad school chapter of my life so I can start a new chapter, one that involves making more than $1700 a month so I can have a home with a washer/dryer again and walls that keep out the sound of my upstairs neighbour taking a leak or yelling at his roommate. The completion of my degree won't guarantee a faculty position, but I won't be able to get a faculty position without the degree. So here we go. My prospectus has been unofficially approved so it's time to write like hell.

7

Holy shit I've been blogging on this thing for SEVEN years? What the fuck? Really?

2009

Guess it's a good time to do a little life recap. Here are some highlights of my year. I'm going to omit the shitty stuff because I rehash that shit in my head every day. Don't really need to do it again here. Alright, in no particular order:

1. Visited Austin, TX for the first time. Fun city. Love the rooftop patios. Soooo many of them too. So now I've been to two cities in Texas. I think I'm good now. No need to see more.
2. Passed exams. Advanced to candidacy, became a Ph.D. candidate, got my Ph.C. Yep all that. The preparation for that was pure hell and I survived, barely. The challenge now is to finish. That will be really really hard.
3. Had my first (phone) interview for a faculty position. It was horrifying. But I got that first one out of the way and I know that I'm at least marketable because I was selected for an interview in the first place. I, of course, did not get a second interview.
4. Got my first smart phone. Palm Pre, used but new to me. Love it. Wish the plan didn't cost me an arm and a leg. But it is life changing for sure.
5. Visited Thailand for the first time. Awesome trip and cheap! I wish I could get that much sun all the time.
6. Unfriended a woman who is more self-centered, obnoxious, and offensive than anyone I have ever met in my life. A total waste of my time and energy to even acknowledge. That said, her violent online tirades are pretty fucking entertaining. Like, lol entertaining.
7. Went to New Orleans for the first time. There is nothing more fun than taking drinks to go. The air feels dense with history there. A must see.
8. Got a contract to author one chapter of an edited book! I guess it'll come out 2011. Possibly my first printed scholarly publication.
9. Got my Yelp Elite 09 badge! That means I write a lot of reviews.
10. Went to Korea for the first time too. Great airport. Even better excursions for folks on a long layover like we were, 12 hours!

twitter

Yep, that's where I'll be. @fumblingthough. Longer posts will still be here.

banking

That wasn't so bad. So Bank of America recently sent me some letter about a fee increase to my account which turned out to be the Rolls Royce of checking accounts, something I signed up for 10 years ago back when I had something called a real fucking job. Anyways, BOA was taking $20/month out of my checking account so it was time to give them a call. Almost 9 at night is a good time as their call centers close at 10pm and most people are getting kids ready for bed and all that. Oh yeah so also, they were taking $5 out of my Savings account each month starting recently and I needed that to stop. Turned out I qualify for a CampusEdge account for students which means no charge for 5 years, and by transferring $25 from my checking to savings each month, I don't pay the $5 fee on the Savings account either. They even refunded me that $20 charge. And the customer service guy was friendly and not a complete idiot! BOA and I can be friends again, especially since they have ATMs everywhere.

highschool

I derive a sick satisfaction from seeing former high school classmates on Facebook, especially those who crossed me or whom I otherwise found annoying, shallow, egotistical or ignorant which describes about 90% of them. My high school was in an (at the time) almost entirely white middle class suburb 40 min east of Vancouver. Things that crack me up:

- FB friends list comprised of, guess what, a bunch of people from high school and no one else except siblings in-law
- under fan pages, fans of the local pub 5 minutes from our high school
- nothing under education but high school
- nothing under employment but mommy or bar waitress or other hourly wage job
- status updates about babies and other people's babies and playdates
- photos of nothing but kids and babies
- photos of them bald, fat, or really fat, or really into female body building and tanning themselves silly/wrinkly and unnaturally dark brown
- still living in the same town, or worse, east or north of it in a SMALLER town

All I can say is I'm glad I've gotten the fuck out of there and had a life that didn't involve a marrying a high school sweetheart, having three kids by age 25 and moving deeper into the sticks.

upstairs

Oh yeah I forgot to update you all on the assholes upstairs. Read entitlement for a refresh.

See I found out that the n-word spewing soccer-playing douchebag frat boys upstairs actually moved out. Yeah, so that means the fucking bitch who was ringing my doorbell a million times is the mother of the NEW FUCKING TENANT. This also means the party that was going on til 4am the other weekend was hosted by the new tenants. But their wireless network name which is called "[lastname]TakesAnal" has stayed the same so I am guessing that the previous soccer assholes just passed their apartment on to their younger asshole friends. Fantastic.

Oh and let me catch you up on what other thing happened with the new tenants before I went on my far-too-short vacation to Thailand. So sometimes I get a little ripped at home here by myself and forget to lock my door. Not a huge big deal since there is another door leading to outside that locks. Well one morning I woke up and I swear to the gods I thought I saw a ghost in my doorway. It doesn't help that I'm practically legally blind so anything more than a foot away is really blurry for me. In fact I just took off my glasses and realize I can't read my laptop screen which is less than a foot from my face. Fuck. Ok so anyways, I'm in my bed and there is a white girl standing there barefoot saying "Joanna? Where's Joanna?" And I grabbed my glasses to see wtf was going on thinking, holy fucking shit, I'm seeing a full apparition!

But no. This dumb bitch keeps saying, "where's Joanna" and I'm like, "who's Joanna? I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong apartment"

Idiot says "I'm so scared, where's Joanna and [we'll call him Klein since he's my neighbor]. I was with Klein and Joanna."

And I reply, "Are you drunk?" (thinking, you better be fucking drunk and have a fantastic drunk tale to tell, or you have no business in my apartment)

Dumb bitch says "No, I'm so scared, I'm so scared. Where am I?"

I gave her one last, I-dont-give-shit-that-you're-scared-get-the-fuck-out-of-my-house look and she walked out the door.

I heard her run into her friends outside and apparently she was sans shoes, sans cell phone and sans clue as to where the fuck she was.

So I listened through my paper thin walls to get the scoop.

Turns out Klein is my new upstairs neighbor and his gf invited this girl, her best friend, to come party with them. They all got wasted and the dumb bitch ended up drunk sleepwalking into my apartment and sleeping on my couch. Even as she was explaining the story to the guys upstairs she was too stupid to understand what happened. She kept saying "but someone put a blanket on me so I don't know how I got there. Someone must've put me there" The guys told her the blanket was probably just there and she must've just grabbed it. They were right. Then she kept explaining that I looked really pissed and the guys said, "uh yeah, you were in her fucking apartment." At least they're a wee bit smarter than she is. Oh and of course she omitted the "I'm so scared" part of the story and played up the "she looked really pissed" part.

One day I'd like to live in a place that has a washer dryer and tenants over 21 whose guests don't end up passed out on my couch. Is that too much to ask?

twitter

So I can admit I've become twitter obsessed, but I twitter as myself, like my real name, which I hope doesn't bring up this blog when googled.

I wonder if I shouldn't just start a Twitter for FumblingThroughLife so I can more quickly put my misery into pixels for all to enjoy. Hmmm.

bumper

I'm not going to state the obvious by commenting on the last time I blogged. This isn't a fucking confessional. Anyways, I saw a bumper sticker today that said "liberals treat dogs like humans. conservatives treat humans like dogs." Awesome.

So despite the fact that I'm still working on my prospectus, I'm going on the market. Sort of. I'm putting one application out there for a school in the midwest. Yeah, not really where I want to be but let's face it. Faculty jobs are few and far between and if I can't get my ass into gear and either graduate on time or find another year of funding, I'm going to be paying international student tuition for my dissertation credits by Jan 2011. That's not going to be pretty. My waiver says that my 10 credits cost $7700 per quarter. I'd have to find a full time job to live on and to pay for the credits. I hate having a stressful unstable life. Hate it. Sometimes I wish I had a 9-5 job, husband, 2.5 kids and a dog. Actually the one part of that equation that is truly within my control is the 9-5 job part. The rest still requires luck and timing. Fuck my life man.

At least I'm heading out of town this week to a place sunnier than the northwest.